Hi!  I hope things are going well.  What’s new?  Not really a whole lot going on over here.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for summer to get here!  Seem like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to kick back in a lawn chair and sip on some margaritas in the sun on the beach, or even if it’s just on the drilling platform of my deep sea oil rig.  You know what I’m talking about!  Hehehe LOL!   

Anyhoo, I heard that you’ve been pretty stressed out recently and just wanted to remind you that, no matter what, you’re better than everyone.  You’re rich, powerful…….really white.  I mean, your first name is “British.”  So don’t be too down on yourself just because a bunch of jerks are mad at you for making a little whoopsie in the water.  And tell the truth, over there across the Atlantic I bet you guys are high-fiving each other pretty hard since you finally showed us Americans who’s boss after a few things that suggested otherwise (American Revolution, War of 1812, The Black Eyed Peas).  Right?  So things aren’t soooooooo bad.

And even if they are, I have a few tips to help out with your little cleanup:

• Three words:  Giant Brita filter
• Cordon off the edges of the spill underwater and keep scuba divers down there with clipboards, like it’s some hot new nightclub.  Then when fish get close the divers just pretend to look at the clipboard and will be like, “You’re not on the list.”  (Note:  You can let in douchebags like sharks, phytoplankton, etc.  Once the other fish see them go in they’ll want to try to find some place less douchy anyway, so it’s win-win.)
• Make a tarp of some kind that can get around the oil and then retract and make itself smaller, so that the oil is in a manageable-sized pouch.  Maybe a synthetic scrotum (They may already make these.  Google it!)?  Then just dump out some ice cubes when the scrotum is in place.
• Dolphins are smart.  Maybe you can train them to help you think of something if this other stuff doesn’t work as well as I know it will.

Well I hope that helps.  I know this is a little late, but I’m the kind of guy who thinks parents should let their kids try and try and try at something until they get really discouraged and just start pretending like they’re still trying so that people don’t think they gave up and that they’re just morons.  Then you help the kid out and he/she compensates you quite well for your unsolicited consulting work.

So just think about it.  You know my address, so you can just send the check there.  I miss you and love you.  Let me know about anything new with you.  Talk soon! 

As we cruised through downtown, Steve repeatedly kept asking me if I was listening to anything he was saying.

“Of course,” I assured him.  “I just can’t believe that you put yourself in this position.  I mean, you really fucked up royally this time, man.”

“I KNOW, I KNOW!!!” he screamed at me.  “What the fuck am I gonna do, man?!  That guy we hit has to be dead!  I just didn’t even see him until he was splayed out on the hood of the fucking car!  Oh god, I’m gonna be sick,” he blurted out, just before vomiting all over the leather upholstery.

I couldn’t keep calm any longer.  “Jesus, man, I just can’t believe you use Geico,” I said.  “I mean, how old are you, nineteen?  Those dents are gonna be fucking expensive to bang out with coverage like that.  And now the interior’s fucked, too.  Dude, you should have All-State for a car like this.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?!  Do you have any idea what kind of trouble I’m in here, you sociopath?!”

I did, and I knew he was starting to realize it, too.  He was going to owe a lot out-of-pocket because of his thoughtless insurance choice.  I felt bad for him, but I made a vow right there not to loan him the money for all those car damages.  Because sooner or later, a guy’s got to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

With an intensely blank stare, her eyes glossed over and jowls covered in drool, she waves the gun around with blatant disregard at the other actors:  “Si no quieren morir,” she begins, “you gotta pongan your asses on la tierra!”

“CUT!  Michelle!  English!  What the hell are you doing ad-libbing again?! Please just concentrate.  We only have this one last shot, and then everyone can go home to their families.  This is a really important scene.  We need it, and I know you can do this.  We’ve gone through this over 30 times now! Just read the line.  Please, for the love of god.”

Confused and with head tilted to one side: “Ay, lo siento, Papi.  I’ll get it this time.”

“Ok, thank you.  Jesus. Now, camera rolling…..everyone ready……and……..ACTION!”

“Police!  Everybody freeze!  Ahora vamos a la estacion y voy a…”

“CUT!!  JUST…..STOP!! Fuck this! Get the fuck off my set!  What the hell is the matter with you?!  For fuck’s sake, how did you ever get cast for this?!  What about your acting or stupid face ever landed you a role in ANYTHING?!  I swear I will do my damnedest to make sure you never work in this town again!!!”

Slowly walking off the set, head down, teary-eyed: “Arf?” she barked, softly, never to be heard from again.