Hi!  I hope things are going well.  What’s new?  Not really a whole lot going on over here.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for summer to get here!  Seem like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to kick back in a lawn chair and sip on some margaritas in the sun on the beach, or even if it’s just on the drilling platform of my deep sea oil rig.  You know what I’m talking about!  Hehehe LOL!   

Anyhoo, I heard that you’ve been pretty stressed out recently and just wanted to remind you that, no matter what, you’re better than everyone.  You’re rich, powerful…….really white.  I mean, your first name is “British.”  So don’t be too down on yourself just because a bunch of jerks are mad at you for making a little whoopsie in the water.  And tell the truth, over there across the Atlantic I bet you guys are high-fiving each other pretty hard since you finally showed us Americans who’s boss after a few things that suggested otherwise (American Revolution, War of 1812, The Black Eyed Peas).  Right?  So things aren’t soooooooo bad.

And even if they are, I have a few tips to help out with your little cleanup:

• Three words:  Giant Brita filter
• Cordon off the edges of the spill underwater and keep scuba divers down there with clipboards, like it’s some hot new nightclub.  Then when fish get close the divers just pretend to look at the clipboard and will be like, “You’re not on the list.”  (Note:  You can let in douchebags like sharks, phytoplankton, etc.  Once the other fish see them go in they’ll want to try to find some place less douchy anyway, so it’s win-win.)
• Make a tarp of some kind that can get around the oil and then retract and make itself smaller, so that the oil is in a manageable-sized pouch.  Maybe a synthetic scrotum (They may already make these.  Google it!)?  Then just dump out some ice cubes when the scrotum is in place.
• Dolphins are smart.  Maybe you can train them to help you think of something if this other stuff doesn’t work as well as I know it will.

Well I hope that helps.  I know this is a little late, but I’m the kind of guy who thinks parents should let their kids try and try and try at something until they get really discouraged and just start pretending like they’re still trying so that people don’t think they gave up and that they’re just morons.  Then you help the kid out and he/she compensates you quite well for your unsolicited consulting work.

So just think about it.  You know my address, so you can just send the check there.  I miss you and love you.  Let me know about anything new with you.  Talk soon!